The following message, how young men and ladies should treat one another in the church, was given by Scott Brown at the Regional Uniting Church and Family Conference in Wake Forest, North Carolina in 2008. Well, we always harken to the doctrine of the sufficiency of scripture for everything we might speak about. We, in the previous session, spoke about how older women should be teaching the younger women. What does that mean? What does women's ministry look like in the church?

And the question that goes like this, what should we do, should always be answered by looking into the pages of scripture and finding what is there. And church culture should always be consistent with what scripture has said it should be like. And so the question we have before us now is how should young men and young ladies treat one another in the church? And I would like to give you some texts of Scripture and then give you a number of principles that can help us understand the answer to this question. Titus 2, 6 through 7 says, likewise, exhort the young men to be sober minded in all things, showing yourself to be a pattern of good works.

In doctrine, showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that the one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you." In 1 Timothy 5, 1 and 2 we read that younger women should be treated as sisters. In 1 Timothy 4, 16 we read, let no man despise your youth but be an example of believers in word. So how should young men and young women treat one another in the church? Should they act as if they don't exist? Should they seek to befriend them?

Should they speak to them only when they're spoken to? How should they speak to them if they do speak to one another? What kind of conversation is appropriate? Well, I'd like to give you five relational malfunctions and then I would also like to give you five directions from scripture, five practical solutions to the malfunctions that we might see. So, ah there we go.

Okay. Five relational malfunctions. The first relational malfunction I would describe as the malfunction of no relationships. When there is an atmosphere in a church where there's no relationship between males and females, I'm going to call this a malfunctioning relational culture. When they act like magnets that don't allow any closeness at all, They just sort of operate with this magical force field around them.

It might be fueled by fears of emotional entanglement or something like that. It's true that friendships can spin out of control and broken hearts can be the result, causing people to conclude that it's better to avoid all relationships completely. And we have to understand the principle of friendship that we find in scripture and that God has called people in his family to have a loving friendship-like relationship with one another. In 1828, Noah Webster defined friendship as an attachment to a person proceeding from intimate acquaintance and a reciprocation of kind offices or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. Friendship differs from benevolence, which is good will to mankind in general, and from that love which springs from it.

True friendship is a noble and virtuous attachment springing from a pure source, a respect for worth or amiable qualities. False friendship may subsist between bad men as between thieves and pirates. This is a temporary attachment springing from self-interest that may change in a moment of rancor. So the first proposition that I would like to bring is that the condition of no relationships between young men and young ladies in a church is a malfunctioning one. Honor of parents has to be at the forefront.

Children should not enter into relationships that are, that dishonor the will and the opinion of parents. And we need to understand that a companion of fools suffers harm. And sometimes there are fools in our churches and often it is the case that parents need to make sure that their children are not with fools in the church, not just outside the church as well. And so standards of friendship need to be governed by parents as they are interpreting scripture. The second malfunction would be characterized by awkward relationships.

And awkward relationships come when people don't understand their biblical responsibilities toward one another. They don't understand that there are particular commands from scripture that should govern all relationships. And so often there's such an awkwardness in churches where it's just a gigantic deal if a boy ever talks to a girl and people stop and gasp and they look and they gawk and they stare and they say and after the conversation they say, are you courting or Is there something serious going on? Well, they're just having a simple conversation. They're just being human beings, OK, and speaking to one another.

And so there's an awkwardness that's often created by an emphasis on some false understandings of relationships. Then flirtatious relationships, this would be a major malfunction in relationships in the church. When there's a flirtatious spirit at work in the young people of our church, danger is ahead. And so parents and children themselves and church leaders need to make sure that relationships are not flirtatious and lead to the destructiveness that always happens when these things continue on. And then, fourthly, purposeless relationships.

When people are just kind of hanging out, There's no purpose to the conversation. There's no epistemological self-consciousness to the conversation. We're just existing. Well, God has not called His people to just exist and deal with irrelevancies. God has called his people together for mission, for the expressions of the kingdom of heaven, and the people of God should always be aware of their kingdom responsibilities.

Purposeless relationships argue against that. You've perhaps been in churches where the topic of conversation is about irrelevant things. Church leaders need to be responsible in this area. If they find that their ladies and their men are just constantly engaged in irrelevant conversations, then that should be a warning. That should be a sign that something is going on in the hearts, irrelevancy is going on in the hearts, and it's coming out of their mouths.

And so they're creating irrelevant relationships based on the irrelevant topics that they're dealing with. I would call that a malfunction or a relational malfunction in a church. And then selfish defrauding relationships when there are selfish motives at work. And these kinds of relationships cause all sorts of problems. Broken hearts, broken relationships, sensual relationships, foolish relationships, exploitive relationships.

And so, you know, it's interesting, one of the great joys of my life, at this season in my life, is the church that I'm a part of. And there are so many children. There are so many young people. It's absolutely wonderful. The big joke of my life is that I'm preaching to eight-year-olds every Sunday.

You know, we just have so many children. It's absolutely wonderful. The squiggly, giggly, you know, joys of youth are at work in our church and I am so happy to see it and to be a part of it. But, you know, you see, you see, you know, things crop up in children. You might see your young boys go and pull a girl's hair and kick her and chase her and tease her or something like that.

Well, it starts when you're young. It seems oh so innocent, and there probably is quite a bit of innocence in it. But we have to train our children and our church not to have selfish relationships where we just do whatever we want to do. We pull anybody's hair we want. We kick anybody we want when we're six.

No, no, no. We have to train our boys and our girls to think differently about that. In contrast, there are different kinds of relationships. So do we just give up? Do we just give up on having young people relate to one another because of their malfunctions?

No, no, we don't give up. We cast a vision, we teach, we reprove, we rebuke and exhort, We set an example, but we help them. We stop what's not right and we help foster what is right. And so we foster relationships that are pure, that are full of self-control, that have the principle of respect and honor and edification guiding them. A joyous relationships, friendly, happy, respectful relationships.

Those are the kind of relationships that we need to cultivate in contrast to selfish, defrauding relationships. So these are some of the problems. And we could probably list a number of other problems. Hey, if you have more, let me know. I would love to learn from you.

So here are five practical solutions to address some of these problems. And these solutions really answer the question, how should young men treat the young women in the church? What does the scripture say? And the first proposition that I want us to consider is that you should understand your role in the Church. You should understand your role in the Church.

1 Timothy 4.16 says, Take heed to yourself. Be an example of believers in word. And so there's the principle of young people have to understand their role. They are young, yes, but God has appointed all young people to be an example, to be an example of an exemplary relationship. So how do we fix part of this problem?

Our children need to understand that it's not only the adults that have a role in the church, but everybody has a role. Yes, the five-year-old is under divine commands for how they should function together. And so from youth up, children need to understand how they ought to be treating other people. And 1 Timothy 4.16 says that they should be an example. Yes, young people are supposed to be an example to the flock, the whole flock.

And so we should be training our young boys and girls to be examples to the flock. So that's one practical solution. Here's another. Treat young girls like sisters. First Timothy 5, 1 and 2 says that the younger girls should be treated like sisters.

Now that may be bad news to some of you because you haven't been treated very well as a sister. So your road map, your paradigm, your baggage is all messed up. So because when you're treated as a sister it's not really very nice. Well that's obvious. He's talking about the tenderest, sweetest parts of sisterhood.

Where a brother is looking out after his sister. The brother who loves his sister, speaks kindly to his sister, treats his sister in a wonderful way. I look back when I was a young boy, I had the sweetest, most wonderful sisters, And I didn't treat them as well as they treated me. And I was not a very good example of a boy treating a sister. But I will tell you this, that it's possible for young boys to treat their sisters beautifully.

So dads, moms, this is part of your calling. How do you train these squiggly, you know, young boys with all this energy to treat their sisters like queens? To treat them like they will eventually treat their wives with love and mercy and protection and help and sensitivity and kindness. All the things that a wife needs really are the things that sisters need as well. Young boys learn how to treat their wives by the way they treat their sisters.

It's a practice session. It's a training ground. God has given to every boy an opportunity to learn how to treat a woman. And so he gives her, he gives him a sister. And there will be many challenges.

Ah yes, much sin, much mischievousness will rise up in his heart. Well what will you do, Mom and Dad, to help that boy learn how to treat these sisters beautifully? In the way that is cast forth here in 1 Timothy 5, that the young men should treat the young ladies like sisters in the most beautiful way possible. So there's another data point for you. How should young people treat one another in the church?

Well, the young men should treat the young ladies like sisters and to practice their selflessness on them in that way. And then a third way is to be strategically serious. Titus 2, 6 and 7 says, likewise, Exhort the young men to be sober minded. In all things, show yourself to be a pattern of good works. In doctrine, showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility.

Sound speech that cannot be condemned, that the one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you. So here's a situation in which you find young men under commands of God, and the purpose is that no one would have anything evil to say of the young men. I pray that no one would have anything evil to say of the young men in our church and how they treat these younger girls. This should be the vision that we should have, that there would not be one single young man in our churches who could be accused of any wrongdoing, having nothing evil to say of these young men for how they're treating the young girls. That's the point that he's making.

Notice the words that he uses. Sober. Young men who are sober in their thinking. They are self-controlled. They are governed.

This is the kind of culture that we need to create in our churches with our young people so that the young men are sober, self-controlled, and they are self-governed in their relationships. This destroys flirting, this destroys shunning, this destroys ignoring, this destroys teasing, this destroys an over-attention. This kind of self-government, sober thinking, self-controlled lifestyle destroys the relational malfunctions in the church between the young people. And it assumes really a mind, a mind that is saturated with sober thoughts, with thinking, with beautiful thoughts for the young ladies instead of selfish, flirtatious, licentious thoughts. On the other hand, they are sober thoughts.

Notice what we're not given. We're not given a bunch of formulas here. We're given ways of thinking and ways of acting that operate in every kind of situation. That's how young men should conduct themselves. Young men can treat the young ladies in the church shamefully by operating with these malfunctions that we spoke of at the beginning.

But how do you fix that? It starts in the mind. How do you make sure that a young boy will treat a young girl right? Well, it begins in his mind and in his sober thinking about life. So we're not given a bunch of formulas, but we are given a direction about what to do with our mind so that in the young man it outworks itself in a beautiful way.

And it makes us ready for any situation that a young man faces. So that when a young man is facing the situation, he asks this one question, what's the will of the Lord? What does God say that I should do? How should I relate with this young lady? What are their commands?

What are their principles? What are the things that God has asked of me in this situation? What is pleasing to the Lord? What glorifies the Lord? No, you won't get a formula about this, but you will get a way of thinking that causes you to cry out to God and say, Lord, when I'm with this young lady or Lord, when I'm with this young man, We're riding in a car, we're sitting in church, we're doing something together as a church family.

God is saturating the minds and helping our young people to figure it out and to do it right. And if it's not going right, then the leaders of the church, the fathers and the mothers, need to help them function properly. And so this assumes godly conversation in relationships. This assumes the government of the tongue. This assumes honor and respect, not silliness, not putting one another down, not ungodly teasing, but godliness.

This is the sober-mindedness that is spoken of, is implied here in Titus chapter 2 and the ways that young men should be operating. Thank God. Thank God for a generation of young men in a church who know what they're supposed to do and who know how to treat young ladies. So this third principle of being strategically serious is one that the young men need to get. So dads, here's the deal.

Teach your young men how to act this way. They can't do it naturally. That's why God gave them a shepherd, you, to help them understand how to navigate in a principled way in all of their relationships. They're at church and there's a young lady. They know how to treat her.

They're out and there's an older woman. How do they treat that older woman? How do they treat anyone? Scripture will tell them. And so dads, it is up to you to help your young men to know how to navigate in all the different situations that they might find themselves in.

Well, let's go to the next. Fourth, apply the one anothers to all relationships. Boys and girls need to understand what the relational culture, the relational atmosphere the church should look like. And it should look like all the one and others. That's as simple as I can make it.

All of the people in the church of all ages, of all genders, should be fulfilling the one anothers in the church. And there are over 50 of them. Be at peace with one another. Love one another. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.

Honor one another above yourselves. Stop passing judgment against one another. Instruct one another. When you come together to eat, wait for each other. Well, there are so many of the one anothers that help us understand how church life should be governed.

I am so thankful for the one anothers because they help us see what kind of church atmosphere there is. You know, there was a brother here I had lunch with and he had visited a number of family integrated churches in his region before they started their church. And he said they, he went on our website, found a number, I think he said he visited five or so, and my first question, well one of my questions was this, Were they happy churches? Were the people loving one another? Was it, did it seem like the kingdom of heaven is full of peace and joy in the Holy Spirit?

Was it like that? And You know what he said? He said, yes, it was. Wow, I was relieved. I was so glad that he said that.

But we should be very concerned about the emotional, the emotional atmosphere, the culture of the church, how it feels. It should be the most electric, happy place on the planet because Christ is there. You know that Hebrews 1, 9 says that Christ was the happiest of all the disciples and so should we. And so here one of the principles that should guide us in helping us to understand how young people should relate to one another. No, they shouldn't ignore one another.

No, they shouldn't be like magnets, you know, who never are able to come close to one another. They shouldn't be like that at all. They should be a fulfillment of the one anothers in scripture. And then lastly, they should exercise purity in their relationships. We know what the Bible says about purity.

We know from the Lord Jesus in Matthew chapter 5 that lust is adultery. We know how dangerous our hearts are in all of this. And we know that we are commanded to flee immorality. We know that Proverbs chapter 2, Proverbs chapter 5, Proverbs chapter 6, Proverbs chapter 7, all caution men not to be ignorant of relationships with women and the dangers that are there. So we have to make sure that we understand purity, what it really is, and where the violations are, and how to cut it off in the right place, and it starts in the heart.

And so leaders of churches need to help people understand the biblical doctrine of sin and how that relates to immorality. And the young people need to be very well aware that they are subject to these sins here. And they have to be self-governed. What kind of rules can you make to govern the sinful heart? Well, these are things that are managed in the affections.

They're managed in the thoughts and the meditations of the heart and the things that are cultivated there. If you want the young people in your church to have pure relationships, then you're going to have to starve them from much of the media that's out there. Because if they're watching certain things that are popular, I guarantee you, you don't have a hope in the world of having pure relationships with your young people in your church. You can't have it if they're watching and listening to things that they shouldn't. If they're listening to heartbreak songs and things like that, you don't have a hope in your church because it's in their hearts.

And so how do you manage all of this? Well, it's managed in the home and it's also managed in the heart. And So all of our sons and daughters need to understand the biblical doctrine of sin and how to deal with it and how to starve the flesh and feed the spirit. So these are at least some practical solutions to these problems. It is for the whole body to create the cultural atmosphere of the church, to make it a place that's reflective of the love of Jesus Christ.

And yes, all of those principles should filter on down into the relationships that our young people have. I believe that when young people ignore one another in a church and they feel like they can't talk to each other without having five people accuse them of being in a courtship. You've got a relational malfunction in a church. Because people have lost a sense of the commands of scripture for all these relationships. So This, of course, lays a big burden on fathers and mothers to help their children understand how they should conduct themselves in the Church of God.

And also for elders to see and understand and feel the relational atmosphere of the church. Is it a place of love? Is it a place where the one anothers are running not just in the adults, but in the children as well? And then we will have churches that reflect the glory of Jesus Christ. So yes, scripture does have much to say for how young people should treat one another in the church.

And I pray that God would give us a bumper crop of application of this doctrine of the sufficiency of scripture for all relationships of our young people in the church. Would you pray with me? Lord, thank you for clear words, for beautiful words. These thoughts that you've put before us in Scripture are wonderful and I pray that You would help us Lord to see any malfunctions, to find our churches as the sweetest places in the world where there is the government of the Lord Jesus Christ in all relationships. Amen.

Christ in all relationships. Amen. Amen. Amen.