The National Center for Family Integrated Churches welcomes Don Hart with the message, pursuing marriage without becoming a tyrant or a victim. Good morning and welcome. I'm delighted to be with you again. It looks like we are standing room only so any of you men who are of sturdy constitution and see a lady standing and I see you leaping to your feet already, thank you so much gentlemen. Let's open with a word of prayer.

Heavenly Father, it is with great humility and Lord crying out to you that we seek your face with regard to how we should live, how we should glorify you, how we should walk together as brothers and sisters and how we should model the beautiful picture of Christ in the church in marriage and in the pursuit of marriage. God, we pray for your blessing on this time. We ask that your spirit would guide us and give us understanding. And God, I pray that your words, your truth, would prevail. And Lord, that the frailties and errors of man would fade.

And Lord, you would increase, and I would decrease. I thank you for those who are here. I pray God that you will bless and edify my brothers and sisters as we delve into this important and challenging topic. Lord we thank you that it all matters and has context and meaning because of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, our groom, who gave himself for us. We pray in his name, amen.

Pursuing marriage without becoming a tyrant or a victim. Again, we've got any room to squeeze in any empty seats, we will get to experience some level of Christian closeness, that family affection that exists in the body of Christ may be demonstrated by even our proximity to each other in the room today. So, alright, well if we can find seats for all that we can, we'll dive in. What is the heart of the battle in which we are engaged? Well, we understand it specifically.

If you permit me, I'd like to begin our time together this morning talking about some applications that are a bit more general that relate so profoundly to this issue of marriage and the pursuit of marriage in the most godly manner possible that we're here to consider. For the remnant that truly seeks to remain faithful, the battle rages on many fronts, not just on the one that we're here to talk about today, but on so many, and the battle that we seek to engage was begun in our lives decades ago, often, and as I've reflected on how to approach introducing this talk, I thought about the fact that it was 10 years ago, as we heard last night, that I was blessed to meet with a group of faithful men and pastors to talk about starting the NCFIC. Talk about trying to address another burning issue of our day, the fact that the church was undoing so much of what Christian families were trying to do as they embraced discipleship, as they walked with their children, they sought to protect them from wrongworldly influences, these destructive influences that battle against Deuteronomy 6 discipleship. And these families were seeing incredible fruit.

But often the church was working in opposition to that. Not necessarily intentionally, often with good intentions, but in our understanding misguided intentions. And I was grateful as I reminisced with Doug and Scott even just listening to them last night for all that the Lord has done. And I'm grateful to have been part of a family integrated church for more than nine years now. I'm grateful that the week that we were coming this way, that two young people who had essentially grown up together in that church announced their betrothal to each other, and that I see dear friends and brothers rejoicing in the Lord, that we're enjoying marriages, that we're seeing some progress in these things about which we are so passionate and yet we know that we still have a long way to go.

And brothers and sisters, the worst thing that we could do is relax. The worst thing we could do is relax. And yet that is so frequently our tendency. We enjoy a season of fruitfulness, we enjoy a victory, and we really want to take a well-earned rest, don't we? We want to rest on our laurels a little bit.

Many of you have labored faithfully. For 20, 30 years, Many of you are laboring not just with your children, but your grandchildren in these areas that we're talking about. But we all understand that so much could be lost so quickly. And much of it could happen in the context of wrong decisions about marriage. There's a danger in feeling satisfied and comfortable.

And like we have arrived, and like we have the opportunity to rest, Part of the battle doesn't change. And raising our children or establishing them in marriage, the battle is for their hearts and their souls and the enemy wants them. He wants our children, he wants our grandchildren, he wants our wives, He wants our families, he wants them in catastrophic marriages and he wants them to pursue marriage in the most defiling and damaging way possible. Make no mistake, this is a battle. A battle extraordinary in so many ways for Christian families and I believe we're in a season where the enemy has taken special aim at our boys.

The battle for the next generation of Christians is always fierce. But I've heard raised at this conference some concerns that I share with regard to how the enemy is targeting our sons, targeting our young men, targeting men. We've gotta be aware of it and we've gotta fight the battle faithfully on all fronts in preparing these young men, these boys even, for marriage Because if we don't have men who are prepared and ready to lead and ready to walk with the Lord in marriage, how we pursue it is gonna be a whole lot less important than we think it is. We can't lose sight of any part of the battle. We've gotta raise these young men, these boys who are under assault, who the world wants to feminize.

Man, our sons need more of us. And as we introduce this talk, I just want to remind you of what you already know. Our sons need more of us. Our daughters are so often immersed in the culture of the home, of biblical femininity, with their mothers, in the context in which they are going to transition so smoothly into marriage, and so Often our little boys are staring down the road, wishing that daddy would get home. And yearning for things of manliness, and how to walk with their dads, and how to be about the things of men, and how to be toughened, and how to be made strong, and how to be made passionate in the Lord.

All the battles for our sons. You know, growing up on a ranch, I mean from Texas, being blessed to live some ranch life. One of the things, and the last exhortation I'd like to leave with you men before we launch into our topic, there's something that comes up a lot of times in ranch life and with country people. And it goes something like this. Whatever a man's flaws may be, determination can make up for an awful lot of them.

In fact, there's a saying that I've heard used often and it's this with regard to a man, that there's no quit in him. There's no quit in him. Old Rusty may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer and he might need to get to his barber more often and he's pretty hard headed about stuff, a little hard to work with but I'll tell you one thing, there's no quit in it. And you know what, all that other stuff matters a whole lot less than the fact that you've got a determined man who won't quit, who just won't quit. Determination before the Lord can overcome a host of flaws, and I just want to mention a man who modeled that for me, my father.

My dad's the most determined man I know, and he has been the greatest influence in my life in so many ways, and he's always said to me, the only way you know when to quit something, son, is when you've finished it. He takes determination and won't quit, sometimes to absurd levels, in the eyes of many. But I'll tell you what, if my dad was pursuing something, he's gonna catch it. The grave may stop him, but I haven't seen much else that's been able to deter him. There's no quit in him.

He's never quit on me, he's never quit on his grandchildren, And while he'd tell you that there are things that he would do differently in raising me if he had it to do over again, and many people who know me well would tell you, yeah, there sure are some things that you should have done different. You know, he hadn't even quit on speaking into my life and being an influence in my life and being an influence in the lives of my children. Not out of pride, but out of humility and out of an understanding that fathers and grandfathers continue to speak into the lives of their children. And that just because they're raised and they're enjoying their grandchildren, They can't quit. We can't take our rest.

We can't take our ease. We can't decide that our part of the battle is over. We talked in our last talk about some of the irony of being reformed in our theology. The fact is we never are reformed. If we understand reformation theology we are always reforming.

That means we don't ever get to rest. We have not ever arrived. And it is a fresh and exciting Christian life. And it also constantly reminds us of the ominous consequences of our flesh, the actions of our enemy, and the spiritual battle in which we are engaged. And our flesh desires luxury and ease so often.

Now if we have too much of it we'll get bored and we'll want action and excitement. But in the heart of the battle, in the thick of the battle, often we want arrest from the battle. And if we win the battle, we really have the sense that we've earned arrest. And that leads me to talk about one of our first examples that we'll talk about today that really relates to this topic of pursuit of marriage and relationships between men and women. We talked about him briefly in our last talk and we'll begin this talk by talking about him in a little more detail, the sin of David.

How he fell the hardest and fell the fastest and sinned in a way that none would have believed possible of such a man. His sin against Uriah the Hittite, his sin with Bathsheba. When did that sin overtake him? It overtook him at precisely the moment that we've just been talking about. It overtook him not when he faced the lion and the bear, not when he was in battle against Goliath, not when he faced the Philistines or other enemies of God and Israel, not when Saul persecuted him or lied about him, deceived him, defrauded him, tried to kill him.

Not when he was hiding in a cave like an animal. Not when he could have killed Saul. No. His greatest sin didn't overtake him in any of those persecutions, in any of those difficulties. At those times, he was so tender of heart and conscience, you'll recall that we talked about last talk, that his conscience smote him over simply cutting the robe of Saul, when his men urged him to kill him, when he had the chance to do it.

Now David was so determined that he would be established as king by the sovereign act of God and not by anything that he did that could detract from God's glory. That he would not kill an heir of Saul. He would not force himself forward in any way. He was so conscious of glorifying God through difficulty and adversity and such tough times. He was so tender of heart.

And when he was at his most victorious, when he had arrived, when he was established as king, whenever the kingdom was united, when God had declared his covenant, when the Ammonites and Syrians were defeated, when he had ascended the throne so nobly and admirably, when he was adored by his subjects and those over whom he ruled, when he was at the most victorious season in his life, a victory that so many would say had been so long in coming and so well earned and so faithfully won, this man that so many would believe was deserving of a rest, took his rest. In 2 Samuel 11, we see it in the spring of the year at the time when kings go out to battle, that David sent Joab and his servants with him and all Israel, and they destroyed the people of Ammon and besieged Rabbah, but David remained at Jerusalem, taking his ease in the palace in the season when kings lead their people in battle. I'm not saying that a well-earned, appropriately timed rest is inappropriate. We see that modeled in creation itself, don't we? What I am saying is that rest wrongly timed with wrong motivations in which we rest from the battle by taking off the full armor of God is always wrong.

That's not the rest which we've been commanded and that's the kind of rest that led to such horrific consequences in the life of David. He was resting. He was not engaged in the battle. He was not spiritually engaged in it. He was not physically engaged in it.

And that is precisely our temptation. And we may be in a season of victory in our families in many, many ways. And yet we can't rest. Oh, brothers and sisters, if you have raised children who are ready to marry, young ladies, young men, if you are here and you are ready to marry, praise the Lord, What a victory. May God give us a thousand more, tens of thousands more.

But don't rest in it. Don't be satisfied. Don't dare quit. Don't throw off any part of the full armor of God because just because you have achieved victory does not mean that the enemy does not still have you squarely in his sights, and that he would not like to see the kind of fall that overtook David. The timing in which David's sin overtook him is sobering, is sobering.

God forbid that we would throw away a lifetime earning a victory in a few moments spent unwisely. This is a real difficulty in the topic in which we're addressing, pursuit of marriage, relationships between men and women. We see that being precisely the context in which David failed, and he's not alone. Read Proverbs and the admonitions and warnings that are given. Consider the just inexplicable often immorality of so many godly patriarchs.

Observe the culture around us. Remember how the man after God's own heart fell so awfully in this area. We're treading in dangerous territory, we're navigating dangerous waters. It's almost as if we're dealing with nuclear charged nitroglycerin floating in gasoline with sparks flying everywhere. It is just almost that critical that we be attentive and that we be armed and that we be engaged in the battle.

It's the context in which the man after God's own heart fell in a way that none of us would have ever dreamed, ever imagined, and it's really at the heart of the issue. We cannot ever disengage in the battle, not ever. If you'll permit me a lightning fast review of a couple of things that we've already talked about that helped place the rest of our discussion in context. In our last talk, we talked about how early in life our children are thinking about and talking about marriage. As I was listening to Doug Phillips' sermon on principles of evaluating suitors in the van on the way here.

My little son, four years old, was singing a cowboy song about wanting a pretty little wife with a turned up nose and dancing music in her twinkling toes or something like that. And again, as I said last time, we're evaluating and reviewing cowboy movies and suspended all viewing as we prepare to evaluate musical content. I had discussions with four-year-olds, five-year-olds in my own family, and of course, all the rest of my children. We are, it is not just an issue of which we are concerned whenever we arrive at the time when we're ready to marry. It is something that is permeating the thought life of our families from the little ones on up.

And you remember we talked about the dangers of dating and we talked about the fact that frankly, my assumption is that we have just resoundingly rejected that. We talked about how it is preparation for divorce, how it leads to all kinds of wrong kinds of intimacy, selfishness, emotional ties, physical. We talked about the dangers and the characteristics of dating and how we've rejected those. And then we also talked about what we have, in many cases, embraced instead of that approach to dating. This thing that we, many call courtship, that is defined as the act of soliciting favor, the act of wooing in love, the solicitation of a woman to marriage, this word, verb tense, court, to flatter, to endeavor, to please by civilities and address, to woo, to solicit for marriage, courtship.

Something with a much more noble purpose than dating, something which is certainly a step profoundly in the right direction, but we posed a question, as we are, about all of our assumptions and how we proceed, and that question was, can there be problems with wooing and flattery and trying to woo a woman, convince her to marry, but sometimes rear their heads in this process of courtship which we have sought to embrace in a noble effort to move away from the problems that we see in the dating culture. Are there problems that arise in terms of agape love obligations between brothers and sisters in Christ. Are there problems that arise whenever a man is committed to marriage and is ready to run through a brick wall to get a woman? And yet perhaps sometimes God's will in the matter, sometimes glorifying God in the process and in the marriage itself can take a back seat to a man's determination to pursue a wife. We talked about some of our assumptions that have been present in courtships.

Talk about understanding that fathers are to protect daughters, and that typically that's how these courtship scenarios with which most of us have been familiar play out. We talked about the concept of fathers both providing and protecting, even a bride price being paid for daughters, demonstrating their great value and fathers giving their daughters in marriage. We talked also about how this thing that we refer to as courtship so often works. How generally in most applications that we have seen, it does involve a man pre-qualified, spoken to by a father. It frankly looks a lot like the Webster's definition would look, combined with our understanding of biblical duty.

A father is to protect a daughter, a man is sent to pursue a daughter, we'll talk about that a little bit later in even this talk. And so he goes to a father, is qualified, and if he passes muster, so to speak, then he has the opportunity to do this thing that the court indicates, to woo, to solicit a woman for marriage, to often flatter or endeavor to please her by his behavior, to attempt to gain her favor, to solicit her, to seek her for marriage. And sometimes men demonstrate such determination in this, and it is so admirable, the strength that men will demonstrate in their desire for this good thing for a wife. But again, Is that desire ever wrongfully placed? Does that desire ever crowd out a duty to glorify God?

And a love for that bride that says, you are my sister in Christ first. I desire to consider marriage with you, but I don't desire to be married to you if it's not the best thing for you as my sister in Christ? Are there ever tensions in how this thing plays out? Are there ever tensions in how a man interacts with a potential suitor and his zeal to protect his wife? I don't think we've got a laven-hearted man in this room who would intentionally act wickedly toward a potential suitor.

But again, have we created a scenario sometimes that creates tensions in our application? And are we taking these applications that sometimes create tensions from clear biblical examples or are we perhaps getting them from somewhere else? This looks different every single time. And I'm not suggesting that every single courtship looks like I have just described. You may be scratching your head and say, no, no courtship I've seen looks like that.

This has been a mutual attempt to seek the will of God and to glorify Him at every step. This has not been something where a man has gotten through the first process and then has tried to get through the second one, and the woman essentially holds the keys to the kingdom, so to speak. And so, I'm not saying that these look the same every time, but in the overwhelming majority of courtship scenarios with which I've had experience, we see many of these kinds of similarities. We talked briefly about the tensions that sometimes arise in these situations. The importance of purity, both physical and emotional.

The danger of defrauding. Defrauding one who we may marry in the future, being defrauded. Ourselves, our duty not to defraud each other. We talked about lust. You remember we talked about the fact that lust is not just limited to a sexual sin and some desire that relates to that.

Sometimes lust can be related to simply desiring something more than we should. Desiring something in a way that can become even unlawful in our desire of it. This supreme desire to have and possess something which we want. We talked briefly about some of the dangers of pre-mature romantic attachments in our last talk, And we talked about how some of this looks in practice. Remember we talked about Christian people seeking to maintain the balance with these things that we're not to do and yet pursue marriage faithfully.

We talked about Sometimes that winds up looking like young men and young women living with a wall of separation between them and not interacting with each other at all in a desire to maintain purity essentially ignoring each other which presents some real problems in terms of brothers and sisters in the Lord who are supposed to love each other with an agape kind of love, which is something else that we talked about in our last talk. We talked about sometimes we realize that doesn't work and so the interaction changes and it becomes one of continual evaluation which often crosses lines into flirtation and things that we get entangled with emotional attachments and other kinds of attachments, and then we begin to get on the other side of the ledger and have problems with emotional purity and defrauding. And so We talked about the fact that often our churches and our Christian circles of fellowship look a lot like this. We have some with a wall of separation, ignoring each other and seeking to love each other with regard to purity by ignoring each other. We have others continually evaluating each other and sometimes crossing lines of emotional purity and other things that we don't want to cross and then a lot of times we end up with everyone else.

The other families, the married men, the married ladies, the younger children sort of over here in this other bubble. We talked about the fact that that doesn't really look real family integrated. More importantly it doesn't really look like the body of Christ working together, loving each other, knowing each other, praying for each other, being involved in each other's lives. We asked the question, have we accepted some wrong assumptions? We talked about what some of those can be.

Have we accepted wrong assumptions with regard to what should trigger a relationship between a man and a woman? We talked about the fact that the world has a host of really wrong assumptions, and most of them are based on romance, on some kind of spark, on some kind of physical attractiveness, on some kind of emotional connection and attraction that happens before a man and a woman are at all committed to each other. Something that interferes dramatically with the important duties of agape type love and the important applications of living together in Christian church life like we should. Now I want to pause for just a moment and say this. I'm not belittling some of the historical heroic things that we have seen in terms of how in a Christlike way men have really been heroic rescuers, heroes, in many ways knights in shining armor with regard to their wives.

What I am suggesting we be careful about is that we don't buy in to the world's ideas of what should spark and begin relationships, wrong kinds of romantic attachments that we can't find exemplified positively in scripture and that fly in the face of so many scriptural commands. We've got to be careful about sometimes accepting the wrong assumptions. And we talked about our overriding purpose in all this pursuit being to glorify God. Not just to glorify him, but to enjoy him. I don't think that we have differences of opinion or a whole lot of differing perspectives on that being the duty of Christian people to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

But the world is trying really hard to tell us If you seek to glorify God, the enjoyment is out of the equation. You're going to miss out on so much. If you don't approach marriage this way, if you don't approach relationships between men and women that way, you're going to miss out on so much and what a lie that is of the world. We don't just glorify God, but it is the path to truly enjoying him. My heart is glad and my glory rejoiceth, we see in Psalm 16.

Thou wilt show me the path of life in thy presence is fullness of joy at thy right hand are pleasures evermore." Glorifying God. We talked about the fact that that is expressed in obedience to God according to Luke chapter 10 and a number of other scriptures that we could talk about. Very quickly we also talked about love. We talked about how English doesn't define love real well, how we can use the same word to express that we love our truck, we love fried chicken, we love our dog, and we love our wife. The Hebrew has some of the same limitations, but thankfully The Greek is a lot more specific, and we talked about the kinds of love that Christians are commanded to have for one another.

That command being overwhelmingly to have an agape kind of love for each other. Over a hundred times in the New Testament, we are commanded to have an agape love for each other. We're to be equally yoked. That means that those who we will consider for marriage for our children or consider for marriage for ourselves, if we're at that point, are our brothers and sisters in Christ whom we have been commanded to love with an agape love. We talked about a couple of examples and emotional attachments and wrong ideas of love that occurred before commitment and some of the disastrous consequences that flowed out of those.

We've already talked about David and Bathsheba and his behavior toward her. We'll talk a little bit later today about more about Jacob and Rachel. We talked briefly about Shechem and Dinah. What a catastrophic application of relationship between men and women. But the Hebrew word there that is used for Shechem's affection for Dinah is a Hebrew word that is used for love a lot like our English word is used for love, a hab or a haba, which essentially, in the context in which it is used, means to desire something tremendously.

To desire it almost at any cost. Not necessarily to unlawfully desire it like Shechem did. It's the same word that's also used with regard to Jacob's affection for Rachel which was based on what? Her beauty, Her physical beauty. And we talked about some of the dangers that some of the world's assumptions try to thrust upon us with regard to what triggers relationships between men and women, when commitment should occur, when affections should be given, and how and how love should be expressed among Christian people.

During the rest of the time that we have to spend together today, I'd like to talk about specific examples that we can find in the scriptures and apply some of these issues and concerns and even question some of our assumptions as we see these examples played out. The first one that I'd like to talk about is the relationship between Christ and the church. That Ephesians 5 model of a man and wife's relationship or essentially what a man and wife's relationship should model in marriage, the relationship of Christ and the church. Now when we do it we've got to be careful. Analogies always break down at some point.

They are never perfect. At least in my experience as we seek to apply them and in this one We've got some areas where we've got to really, really be careful. We need to be careful about presuming that we're entitled to ask the question, what would Jesus do? And we need to more often ask the question, what would Jesus have me do in a certain situation? Because we are not him.

And in this application, we are not him. If we could be sovereign and omniscient, this marriage thing would be a piece of cake, wouldn't it? Navigate it flawlessly every time, but we're not. Even so, there's much that we can glean rightfully from the example of Christ in the church bearing the differences in mind, bearing the places where the analogy may break down in mind. Let's look at the places where the analogy doesn't break down because Christ has specifically given us this example to talk about the context of marriage.

And we've got to consider it as we talk about the pursuit of marriage. Let's consider first the selection of the bride and whose job it is. We covered the application with regard to daughters and the duty of fathers to protect them and the scriptural admonitions with regard to that are very clear. What about the men? What about the one who is in the position of the groom?

Well I'd like to suggest to you that with regard to Christ and the church, the father and the son together, select the bride. There is significant involvement on the part of the father though. Some of our assumptions may be that really most everything needs to be done by the son. He is essentially flying solo. He is sent out and he is really to navigate these difficult waters, mostly by himself, maybe with some counsel, but really it's a test of his manhood in many of our thought processes sometimes that he'd be able to successfully navigate this thing really largely on his own.

I'd like to just ask if we could just consider challenging that assumption based on the example of Christ in the church. That's not what the Lord Jesus Christ has done with regard to his bride. God from the beginning chose you for salvation. The elect. He foreknew and he also predestined the bride of Christ.

That is speaking of God the father and his involvement in selecting the bride. Blessed be God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who is blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places just as he chose us in him. Ephesians 1 3 through 6. For those listening on the tape the second reference was Romans 8 28 through 30 and the first one was 2 Thessalonians 2, 13 through 16, just indicating the important participation of the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ in selecting the bride for his son. It does not look like something where relationships are bifurcated and where a father and son are not working together.

But we also see the involvement of the son. John 15, 15 through 7, no longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friends. For all things that I heard from my father, I have made known to you, you did not choose me, but I chose you, and appointed that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give you. The Father and the Son working together closely to select the bride. Again, working together perfectly, working together in sovereignty, working together in ways that we cannot duplicate in our applications of marriage relationship, nearly the point that we would like to, but working together and selecting the bride.

Sons are sent. Christ the son was sent by the father. I don't think there is any debate with regard to that truth. Where do we get our ideas? That sons are sent and daughters are given?

From the example of Christ. Luke 19, the son of man has come to seek and save that which was lost. Coming because he was sent. We have lots and lots of scriptures that prove this out. We'll go through them quickly.

John 3, 34, for he whom God has sent speaks the words of God. John 5, 36, for the testimony which I have is greater than the testimony of John for the works which the Father has given me to accomplish the very works that I do, testify about me that the Father has sent me. The Son sent for his bride. John 5.38, speaks of the Father being the one, and Christ being the one whom he sent. Speaking of God the Father, John 6 29, Jesus answered and said to them, this is the work of God that you believe in him whom he has sent.

The son sent by the Father. John 6 38, Christ does the will of him who sent him. John 6 57, as the living father sent me and I live because of the father so he who eats me he also will live because of me. Speaking in the context of the Lord's table. I know him because I am from him and he sent me says John 7 29 and John 8 42, Jesus said to them, if God were your father you would love me, for I proceeded forth and have come from God, for I have not even come on my own initiative, but he sent me.

God the father sent the son. John 10 36, John 11 42, John 17 three. All speak of Christ as being sent by the Father. John 17, 8, John 17, 18, John 17, 21, all refer to the Father sending the Son, as do John 17, 23, 25, John 20, 21, and 1 John 4, 14. I think we're probably in pretty strong agreement that the scripture describes the son as being sent.

Let's ask a second question. Was the son sent alone? John 4.34, Jesus said, and then my food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. I'd like to suggest to you that the model of Christ sent by the Father for his bride is one of continual communication between the Father and the Son. Continual counsel, continual sensitivity to the will of the Father, continual guidance by the Father.

John 6 38, for I have come down from heaven not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me. Yes, Christ was sent, But was he sent alone? Was he sent apart from the counsel of his Father? Was he sent walking alone as he came for his bride? I don't believe the scriptures bear that out.

John 5, 19, therefore Jesus answered and was saying to them, truly, truly, I say to you, the son can do nothing of himself unless it is something he sees the father doing. For whatever the father does, these things the son also does in like manner. A beautiful picture of continuity of fellowship between a father and a son, I believe is what we see in the example of Christ, the son sent for his bride. John 5.30 bears out the same truth. John 8.16 as well.

John 8.28, then Jesus said to them, when you lift up the Son of Man, you will know that I am He, but I do nothing of myself, but as my Father taught me, I speak these things, even in the context of crucifixion, in the context of paying the ultimate bride price. Christ is speaking about the communion between himself and the Father. Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that beautiful? And again, analogies break down.

Analogies break down. Even when we're talking about being chosen before time began, in the context of the father and the son operating together. We have the concept of the trinity, which is one of the most humbling mysteries that we could ever consider, but what we don't seem to find is a model of bifurcated, separated activity. We see a beautiful model of continuity. John 12, 49, John 14, 10.

Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father in me? The words that I speak to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does the works. I don't know how the continuity, the continual fellowship, the continual communication between the Father and the Son could be expressed any more beautifully in the context of the Son coming to earth. The Son coming to seek his bride, the son coming to pay the bride price, the son coming to fulfill all that has been prophesied about the groom. And he did give something incredibly precious for his bride, didn't he?

The concept of bride price is biblical. A bride is a precious treasure. You know we are precious to the Lord Jesus Christ and to God such that the most precious blood that could ever be spilled was given for us as the ultimate bride price. This is a gospel-centered marriage conference. The concept of a bride price so points us to that.

First Peter one, 18 and 19, knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things like silver or gold from your aimless conduct received by tradition from your fathers, but with the precious blood of Christ as of a lamb without blemish and without spot. We are bought with the blood of Christ, the most precious bride price imaginable. If we walk in the light, 1 John 1.7, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ, his son cleanses us from all sin. 1 Corinthians 6, 19 and 20, or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God and you are not your own. We are not our own as the people of God.

We have been bought, we belong to our God, to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. For you were bought at a price, therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's. As said in our first talk, if we don't take anything else away from these discussions, take this, glorify God in this process of pursuing marriage, glorify God in this state of being married and enjoying all the beauty that attends biblical marriage. Glorify God. Glorify God.

Acts 20-28, therefore take heed to yourselves and to all the flock among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to shepherd the church of God which he purchased with his own blood." I don't know how much more clear it could be, which he purchased with his own blood. 1 Peter 1, 1 and 2 talks about the same thing, the great price given for the church, 1 Corinthians 6.20, for you were bought at a price, therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit. Titus 2, 11 through 14, talks about the same thing as does 1 Corinthians 7.23, you were bought with a price, do not become slaves of men. We cannot be slaves of this world. We cannot make decisions and choices that enslave us and that obscure our duty to glorify God and that blind us to the one to whom we truly belong.

We are bought with a price. The most beautiful manifestation of the bride price. Revelation 5, nine, they sang a new song, saying, worthy are you to take the book and to break its seals, for you were slain and purchased for God with your blood, men from every tribe and tongue and people and nation. Glory to God, and thanks to our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. This concept of the bride's price is not just a technical thing that we find with regard to marriage, it is at the heart and the center of gospel-centered marriage.

It doesn't mean that it's gonna look the same in every one of our families and every one of our applications, that every father will consider the bride price to be the same with regard to his daughter. But it is a biblical concept that points us to the gospel and is a picture of what Christ gave. See it in Genesis 34, 12 and Exodus 22, 17 and 1 Samuel 18, 25. Bride of Christ is betrothed to him. Ezekiel 16, eight, when I passed by you again and I looked upon you, indeed, your time was a time of love, so I spread my wing over you and covered your nakedness.

Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became mine, says the Lord God. We see that betrothal covenant with the people of God reflected all throughout scripture. Genesis to Revelation. We see God's covenantal faithfulness. We see the images, the pictures, the truth and reality of our espousal, our betrothal to our groom, the Lord Jesus Christ.

That's the state in which we currently reside. I will betroth you to me forever. Yes, I will betroth you to me in righteousness and justice and love and kindness and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness and you shall know the Lord, Hosea 2, 19 and 20. If it doesn't make your heart soar to know that we are safe and secure according to a commitment established by a sovereign God.

Oh it should. It should be such a great source of peace and joy and rejoicing and wonder. 2 Corinthians 11 2, I'm jealous for you with godly jealousy for I have betrothed you to one husband that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. There we see the words of the Apostle Paul to the church. This covenant of betrothal that we see reflected also in Ephesians 2, 11-13.

Therefore remember that you, once Gentiles in the flesh, who are called uncircumcision by what is called the circumcision made in the flesh by hands, that at the time you were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers from the covenants of promise having no hope and without God in the world but now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. What is the effect of this covenant of betrothal in which we find ourselves with regard to the Lord Jesus Christ? What is the effect of being drawn by irresistible grace to the God who has chosen us? What is the effect of being bought with the ultimate bride price? It brings us near to Christ.

It brings us near to Christ. Are you growing colder in your love toward Christ as you are more sanctified the more years that you spend as a Christian? Oh, I hope not. I certainly don't see anyone shaking their head, oh yeah, sure am. That's a real problem.

What about the assumption that love grows colder in marriage? And that somehow we've got to do something to keep that love strong and alive and vital? Again, is that a wrong assumption? Should that be the case in Christian marriages? Is that what's modeled in the example of Christ in the church?

What brings us together? What starts our love for Christ to grow? Isn't it that drawing by his irresistible grace? Isn't it the understanding of the price that has been paid for us that brings us near to Christ? And that's exactly what's described here in Ephesians 2.

Love grows and grows and grows and grows stronger after commitment, after that covenant of betrothal. This idea that the strength of that love ought to be the thing that leads to that covenant of betrothal? Is that a wrong assumption? Is that something we see modeled in Christ in the church? Is that something we see modeled in the best examples of marriage that we see in scripture?

Or do we instead see a dominion oriented focus? Look at how Adam and Eve were established in marriage. Adam had dominion work. He was not adequate for it alone. There was not a suitable helper for him.

And so Eve was created to be his suitable helpmate so that he could glorify God in the dominion work that he was given for the glory of God. Does that look like fireworks falling in love, romance, being captivated by your emotions, being swept off your feet? Or does that look like a purposeful, God-glorifying, carefully considered, crying out to God, prayer and fasting, most important covenantal decision we could ever make before the Lord. Should we be slaves to our emotions as we make that decision? Or should we be slaves to the Lord Jesus Christ?

Oh glorify God. And you know what, if we do that, we won't have marriages that we try to figure out how to keep warm over time. We'll have marriages that look like our sanctification. We'll have love that grows from our commitment to each other because we are convinced as much as we can be before the Lord that it is for his glory and that love will grow from our commitment to God and to each other. And brothers and sisters, my wife is more beautiful today, and more special today, and I love her more today than I did almost 20 years ago.

And that's by the grace of God. Because it is as an awful hypocrite that I stand here not having applied so much of what I am trying to apply now in the lives of my children. One of the things that I know my precious dad would do differently is direct me differently in some of these areas if he could do it over again. And yet we can't let our hypocrisy silence us about the truth and we can't be afraid to examine even what we've done and say, you know what, that wasn't the best way. And by the grace of God, we can be forgiven, and we can enjoy, oh we can enjoy, so much of what God has for us, and so much of what is modeled in the example of Christ in the church because before he loved us and drew us and paid the bride's price for us, we hated him.

We were his enemies. We were not infatuated, We were not swept off our feet, we were not intrigued, we hated him. And what changed that was his irresistible grace. And him changing our hearts, and our understanding the price that he paid for us, and our response to his love. And so our love for him grows, and it grows, and it grows, as should our love in our marriages.

You know who Christ did not come to court, so to speak? Brothers and sisters, he didn't come for the non-elect. He came for his own. He came for his own. This to me suggests that we need to be careful about willy-nilly pursuing potential marriage relationships with lots of different people before we carefully arrive at God's will with regard to the one we marry.

Now, again, our difficulty arises. We're not sovereign. We don't know who God has for us as a bride. But let's not make decisions and engage in processes that make that harder. Let's not do things that lead to indiscriminate consideration of marriage, not carefully considered, not pursued for the glory of God, not based on emotions, not based on looks.

Well, there are a host of attractive folks at this conference and beautiful young women and handsome young men and that is wonderful. But that is not the first triggering, driving attraction that leads to God glorifying marriage. The world says it is. The world's lying. That clouds our judgment.

Godliness ought to attract us so much more than physical beauty. Suitability for God's glorifying purpose in our life ought to draw us together so much more than physical beauty. God's dominion purpose in marriage ought to draw us together so much more than physical beauty. The most godly young ladies ought to have 50 suitors considering them. And you know what?

Those are the most beautiful young ladies. We need to think about things in God's economy. We need to think about beauty in God's way. Oh, he created it and it's beautiful and it's expression between a man and a wife. That's not the purpose of this talk.

But brothers and sisters, we won't lose out if we do it God's way. We won't. Christ was sent with counsel, with the continual counsel of his Heavenly Father. He was sent with the ultimate bride price. He was not attached to the non-elect.

He came for his own. He came for his bride. Understanding our analogy is not perfect in that regard, but the current courtship model that we see so often doesn't reflect that either, does it? Attachment before commitment that clouds glorifying God and dominion work and suitability, equal yoking, all these things that we're commanded to do, all these things that we have such a hard time analyzing when we become slaves to our emotion and blinded by beauty and fantasizing about charm. Perhaps this approach, coupled with some other wrong assumptions, are the reason that we need to have talks at conferences like this called courtship catastrophe mitigation.

Perhaps there are some things that we could just tweak and do a little differently as we seek to always be reforming, to always be seeking the most godly way that we're to walk before the Lord. Oh, brothers and sisters, I'm not claiming to know everything by any means and it's probably really, really obvious. I'm just suggesting we examine what we're doing. That we be Berean, that we be persuaded of what is so according to the best examples that we can find in scripture, that perhaps there is an even better approach as we continue to move further from a worldly idea of relationships between men and women and seek to be sanctified and move in the direction of godly commitments and attachments. Brothers and sisters, we want the wife, we want the husband, but it is God's will for us to have.

You know what's beautiful is that when we are married, when we are even betrothed, when we become husband and wife, scriptures teach that it is God's will for us to have. You know what's beautiful is that when we are married, when we are even betrothed, when we become husband and wife, scriptures teach that it is God's will for us to be married to that person. That doesn't mean just get there in any means possible and then trust that okay, I've now taken control of God's will. Now it means pursue it the right way, trust the Lord, be humbled by our own lack of sovereignty and omniscience in the whole process, but do things as wholesomely and as cleanly as we can before the Lord. And I'm not trying to suggest that things need to be too complicated.

I understand and believe and I think agree with most of you that the groom should be the initiator, that the groom should be vulnerable if anyone has to be vulnerable in a process like this. I'm not suggesting uncommitted grooms with unclear intentions. But I am suggesting that it is not less than noble for a man to approach a father, and instead of saying, sir, I wanna marry your daughter, and I'll run through that brick wall, I'll build you 10 barns, I'll do whatever challenge you put before me to have her. And the challenge approach to marriage is not one that we are without biblical examples in scripture, But again, with the entire revelation of scripture, we need to be equally yoked. We need to agape.

We have all kinds of duties, but perhaps that groom could come with just a subtle variation of that, saying something more like, sir, I'd like to marry your daughter if it's God's will for us. But I love her as my sister right now and I don't want her to marry me if it's not the best thing for her before the Lord. This example, this covenant of betrothal that we see with the Lord Jesus Christ. We can take much, we can't take everything. The analogies do break down, but there's much that we can glean.

And we have to be honest about what we don't see there. And not say, well we're doing this based on the example of Christ in the church when things that we may be doing run counter to the example of Christ in the church. Well, how about some just regular old people trying to navigate this. Folks like us who have in common with us the fact that they are neither sovereign nor omniscient and yet are seeking God-glorifying ways to navigate the path to marriage. Let's talk about a couple of examples in the time that we have left.

About Isaac and Rebekah and what's described in Genesis 24. You know, this really preaches itself and I'd like us to just go through it together. Maybe have just a couple of comments about what we see played out here. Isaac and Rebecca, an unusual example in our experience. One that looks a little too much like an arranged marriage for many of us and yet let me suggest to you that arranged marriage is wonderful as long as God does the arranging.

Isn't that what we want? We want God to arrange our marriages. So let's don't take paths that are sinful and lead to judgment instead of blessing. And let's cry out to God. And let's do really some of what we see reflected right here in the example of Isaac and Rebekah.

Now Abraham was old. Well advanced in age and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house who ruled over all he had, put out your hand under my thigh And I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not take a wife from my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell but you shall go to my country and to my family and take a wife from my son Isaac." A couple of things that we might just consider. There's a father understanding that his son needs to be married and interested and involved in the life of his son. Some would say, you know, really involved.

Perhaps too involved. Involved beyond our comfort level. He was really active in terms of seeking that his son be established in marriage. And he initiates the process. He goes to his most trustworthy servant.

The one who before he realized he was going to have a son he wondered if he would be the heir as he was interacting with God about God's covenant faithfulness. His most trustworthy man. And he entreated him solemnly to assist him in seeking a wife for his son. I mean that's a solemn deal. Have you ever sworn an oath with your hand under a man's thigh?

I never have. I think I would remember it if I did. That's a solemn thing. And I imagine that what's communicated in the context of that is pretty memorable. What was the instruction given in this extremely solemn exchange?

Seek an equally yoked marriage for my son. And the servant said to him, perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me to this land. If we have questions about a woman's consent being necessary to marriage, about the father's role in establishing his wife and giving his wife in marriage, my understanding is he can't do that without her consent. He ought to be a protector, a provider, a very important part in how she arrives at that decision, but I think we pretty clearly here have an indication that this woman is going to have to be willing. Perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me to this land.

Must I take your son back to the land from which you came? If she won't come with me, do I have to take her there? This servant understands he's been given very solemn duty and he doesn't want to misunderstand what he's supposed to do. It's a great way to give counsel with regard to those seeking to be established in marriage. And so clear guidance is offered.

But Abraham said to him, beware that you do not take my son back there. The Lord God of heaven who took me from my father's house and from the land of my family and who spoke to me and swore to me saying to your descendants I give this land, he will send his angel before you and you shall take a wife from my son from there. And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath, only do not take my son back there." Pretty clear answer. We're advancing the kingdom of God, we're not going back to the land that we've been told to leave, my son's not going back there, this woman needs to come here. Just again, we can't take too much, but let's don't take too little.

There's real clarity in terms of vision with regard to equal yoking of a wife. We're not going backwards. Equal yoking is not something in which we go backwards to the land which we've been told to leave. I want my daughters to marry more godly men than their father. I want them to move in that direction.

I don't want them to go back to the land which we've tried to leave. I think we can see that at some level in Abraham's heart for his son. Look how he was sent. Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and departed. For all his master's goods were in his hand.

And he arose and went to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor. He went with the bride's price. He went prepared. He went expressing an understanding that this is a precious, precious bride worth a lot. He went with a plan and he made his camels kneel down outside the city by a well of water at evening time.

The time when women go out to draw water. Then he said, oh Lord God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day and show kindness to my master Abraham. Oh, that we approach pursuit of marriage on our faces in prayer before the Lord. I think we can take that from this example and apply it in our own lives. Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.

Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, please let down your pitcher that I may drink, and she says, drink, and I will also give your camels a drink. Let her be the wine you have appointed for your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master. We can take what's there and we can't take too much. We may go a long time praying this precise prayer for a wife for our sons in western civilization in modern America.

Agreed? Nonetheless crying out to the Lord. God has given us the entire revelation of scripture at this point. That's one difference that we see in the application here. God has revealed more of his will to us today.

And so while God may not be speaking in quite the same way, supernaturally giving special revelation, we have a lot more revelation in our application right now. So don't despair that you can't pray that specific prayer and see camels do certain things and know certain things the way that you would like to know them, cry out to the Lord in prayer. And it happened before he'd finished speaking that behold Rebecca, who was born to Bethel, son of Melchiah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, came out with her pitcher on her shoulder. Now the young woman was very beautiful to behold a virgin, no man had known her. She went down to the well, filled her pitcher, and came up.

The servant ran to meet her and said, "'Please, let me drink a little water from your pitcher.'" He implemented his plan. He was faithful to do what he'd been charged to do. A good and helpful counselor with regard to man being established in marriage. And he observed the character of the young woman that he was considering. So she said, drink my lord.

Then she quickly let down her hand, let down her pitcher. Then she quickly let her pitcher down to her hand and gave him a drink. And when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, I will draw water for your camels also until they have finished drinking. Then she quickly emptied her pitcher into the trough, ran back to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels. And the man wondering at her remained silent so as to know whether the Lord had made his journey prosperous or not.

He observed what the Lord was doing. And then he sought confirmation. So it was when the camels had finished drinking that the man took a golden nose ring weighing half a shekel and two bracelets for a wrist weighing ten shekels of gold and said, whose daughter are you? Tell me please. Is there room in your father's house for us to lodge?

Are you of the people who I have been instructed to seek a wife? Is this a situation of equal marriage? Seeking confirmation before the Lord, not presuming, seeking the will of the Lord, seeking the will of the Lord. So she said to him, I am the daughter of Bethel, Melchiah's son, whom she bore to Nahor. Moreover, she said to him, we have both straw and feet enough and room to lodge.

Then the man bowed down his head and worshiped the Lord and he said, blessed be the God of my master, Abraham, who has not forsaken his mercy and is truth toward my master, as for me being on the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master's brethren. So the young woman ran and told her mother's household these things, giving glory to God for what God had done. That's what we see. Again, that concept, glorifying God in everything that we do with regard to the pursuit of marriage, I think is something that we can take from the example of Isaac and Rebekah. Now, Rebekah had a brother whose name was Laban, and Laban ran out to the man by the well, so it came to pass.

When he saw the nose ring and the bracelets on his sister's wrist, And when he heard the words of his sister Rebecca saying, thus the man spoke to me that he went to the man. And there he stood by the camels at the well and said, come in, oh blessed of the Lord, why do you stand outside for I have prepared the house and a place for the camels. Then the man came to the house and he unloaded the camels and provided straw and feed for the camels and water to wash his feet and the feet of the men who were with him. Food was set before him to eat but he said I will not eat until I have told about my errand. He still is focused on what he's charged to do.

He still is focused on the importance of this marriage relationship that he desires to be established. He's committed to his mission and he's moving. He's not dragging his feet, certainly is he? He has a certain urgency on behalf of the man whose father has determined is in need of a wife and his particular role in it. So he seems to be moving just as quickly as prudent.

Not even going to eat before he gets on with his business. There is a level of urgency. This is important. We understand that don't we? That's why so many of us are here.

We see a clear explanation provided for why he was there in verses 34 down through verse 41 so he said I'm Abraham's servant the Lord has blessed my master greatly and he has become great he's given flocks and herds silver and gold male and female servants and camels and donkeys and Sarah my master's wife bore a son to my master when she was old, and to him has given all that he has. There's no deceit, he's not hiding the ball, he's not playing games, he's very upfront and clear about his intentions, very honorable, very appropriate in his interaction. I know that our time is running short, forgive me, there's so much that is so rich that we could consider, but let's don't miss this. And this day I came to the well and said, oh Lord God of my master Abraham, if you will now prosper the way in which I go, behold I stand by the well of water, and it shall come to pass that when the Virgin comes out to draw water I say to her please give me a little water from your pitcher to drink and she says to me drink and I will draw for your candles also let her be the woman who the Lord has appointed for my master's son.

God has arranged this marriage. God has settled the matter. Isn't that the perspective that Rebecca has whenever she is consulted with regard to where you go with this man? God has settled the matter. Oh brothers and sisters, that the Lord would establish us in God glorifying, God honoring marriages in which God has settled the matter.

That we may glorify God in that process. That We may not be afraid to continue to reform as we seek to navigate that process. Oh, that we before the Lord would seek his clear answer, act on it, move forward in ways after we have that answer which are clear, praise the Lord, understand the value of a wife. Boy, there are some tremendous differences between what happens with Jacob and what happens with Isaac. I wish we had time to go into all of them, but some of these differences are probably coming to your mind even right now, as you think about comparing the two situations.

Isaac, known to be able to provide for a wife, coming with an understanding of the importance of a bride's price, committed to duty, moving quickly, consulting the family along with the young woman involved. Seeking clearly to understand the will of the Lord with all parties involved, All who are affected, all who have jurisdiction, all whose consent ought to be sought. Desires of the right things in marriage. That's what we see in terms of Rebecca's family. Isn't this beautiful?

So they sent away Rebecca, their sister and her nurse, and Abraham's servant, and his men. And they blessed Rebekah and said to her, our sister, may you become the mother of thousands of ten thousands, and May your descendants possess the gates of those who hate them. May God establish us in God glorifying marriages and may our descendants possess the gates of those who hate the Lord and who therefore will hate us. There will be a struggle. It may be profound, but scripture has all we need to navigate these waters.

Not necessarily everything we want, not the checklist that in our flesh we so often want to be able to go through and say give me this formula and this is how I will do it. But scripture has all we need. To God be the glory. May we be established and God glorifying and God honoring marriages. May we be engaged in the battle.

May our descendants possess the gates of those who hate them. Thank you. Of the Church and the Family to the Word of God. And for more information about the National Center for Family Integrated Churches, where you can search our online network to find family integrated churches in your area, log on to our website, ncfic.org. FIC.org